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Apr. 26th, 2009

by drandaliz

(no subject)

fuck me fuck you fuck every me every you. i want to die. i hate everyone everyone.

i seriously need scales. itd keep me at least a tiny bit sane. measuring by hand makes me fucking paranoid.

i feel like a fucking failure, had 2 apples, muesli bar light, handful candies, a bit of kwark (fatless), cough drops and rhum.

fuck me fuck my fat ass that hurts when i sit. its not even bony enough it shouldnt hurt. fuck my useless body fuck my useless head fuck it all and kill it.

Apr. 13th, 2009

by drandaliz

(no subject)

under 40kg again finally

Aug. 18th, 2008

by drandaliz

(no subject)

but crap i really drank a lot

how am i gonna drag myself to work tomorrow
by drandaliz

(no subject)

i love everyone and i dont care shit

Aug. 17th, 2008

by drandaliz

ice cream and assholes

im comforting myself with blueberry vanilla light ice cream and it feels good. i hate my dad.

i hate that cutie asshole italian who didnt answer my message. i mean if he doesn't want to fuck me another time he can just say so!

been sitting on the balcony with a knitted blanket practicing to blow smoke rings all day. and i went hungover shopping. im alone and it's fucking boring. but yay its already half past eight so i can take some sleeping pills soon.

Aug. 13th, 2008

by drandaliz

im so happy...

...my mum sent me sleeping pills. now i dont have to be awake anymore.

i called my therapist to say im will not be visiting her again. now i dont have to be responsible anymore. i promised her i'd eat enough to keep me alive this summer and i did, im still alive (and fatter than before even). now i can starve as much as i want to. and nobody will threaten me with ip. or any shit.

Aug. 9th, 2008

by drandaliz

mmmm drinking

yes yes im going drinking and dancing. my favourite thing after drinking beer in parks somewhere far far away and waking up with cute boys (in white sheets i prefer).
by drandaliz

and

im out of sleeping meds. and soon i'll run out of my depression meds too. fuck i have to go to a doctor. and also cancel the appointments i had made in my old hometown.

now i dont have a home town anymore.
by drandaliz

...

im fucking tired of everything. i need to get out of this country quick or i'll start wanting not to exist soon.

im so fucking bored. and when my mind gets too bored i start with all the stupid things again. not eating. eating too fucking much. thinking im eating too fucking much. hating myself and my fat 40kg ass. just wanting to disappear or at least getting fucking drunk or messed up.

when im out doing things in other countries i feel better. when i kiss boys and see different places. when im free.

only four weeks. i can do it. then amsterdam and then every other place i want to go to. not coming back until i take my final exams in spring. and try to be happy.

and during those fucking four weeks i still have to be in finland i might as well fucking starve myself.

Aug. 8th, 2008

by drandaliz

fat fat fat

why do they have to keep telling me ive gotten fatter like its a fucking god thing. i have to go to purge when i hear stuff like that... "you look so much better now, when you came here you were sooo skinnyy like a sceleton now you look healthier........."

AND I KNOW im a fucking fatty i ate maybe 700 cals today already and didnt purge much of it... im not gonna wear my new slim volcom top until im below 40 again (i was 41 this morning fuck fuck fuck). or until i dont look like a fucking pig who just ate the whole world.

but seriously it's so hard to resist food when the whole restaurant is filled with smells of things frying, newly baked baguette, fried fish in tamarind sauce... cashewnuts roasting... and i LOVE food.

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by drandaliz

April 2009

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